Everything Is Haunted (demo)

by Laura Marie

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Written back in 2014 and performed at an event for San Antonio Rape Crisis Center. This was the beginning of an unraveling of sorts for me. After many years of silence, I finally told my family about my sexual assault because of a song I'd written because of an interview I'd done. Anyway, it gets weird:

So, I did a radio interview and the interviewer was so incredibly misogynistic that it traumatized me. I felt completely violated from his line of questioning and more so because I felt like I didn't have a choice but to "play along" and "be cool". It broke me and I wasn't exactly sure why but I cried my eyes out afterward.

Later that evening all these emotions surfaced about being molested and harassed at a young age and being drugged and date raped as a young adult. I felt an urgent need to just get it all out and I wrote this song, demo'd it and decided I needed to not only share it but speak publicly about it. But first, I needed to call and let my family know so they wouldn't be blindsided. I'm forever grateful they were so supportive in letting me process the way I needed to.

Then, fast forward a few weeks to the weirdness. I had been asked to perform at the Rape Crisis Center and I shared this song. I believe they may have asked me because they'd heard me perform it on a radio or television morning show. Or, it might have been because it was profiled in a local magazine. I don't remember exactly. A few days later I got a message from a woman who asked to remain anonymous. She said she'd been very concerned for my safety. She'd heard the song and she followed me on social media and saw that I'd done a radio interview recently with a man she knew to be a rapist. Her rapist, in fact. And, yes, that radio interviewer. The one who triggered the song in the first place. She told me to look up his record and, sure enough, I found that he had a record for sexual assault.

This is why I so strongly believe in the idea that we should "believe women" "listen to women", "believe survivors", "listen to survivors". I've dealt with a lot of misogyny in my career but the feeling I got after that radio interview was different. It felt violent and I felt violated and, to anyone listening, it wasn't much different than your garden variety misogyny. He presented as some wannabe Howard Stern shock jock but I felt something darker behind it. This experience taught me how important it is to listen to my intuition and I'm sharing it with you now for two reasons:

1) It's Texas Sexual Assault Survivors Day

2) The trauma reared its ugly head again today when I had to be sedated for a procedure. I was fine until the anesthesiologist walked in and then I burst into tears. I explained that I was an assault survivor, someone who had been drugged and date raped, and the idea of not being in control of my faculties was terrifying. She spoke to the attending anesthesiologist who shared her survivor story with me. She wouldn't let me dismiss my feelings. She listened, empathized and then promised me she'd have my back no matter what. And she did.

Anyway. Here it is.

lyrics

See that girl with the curled pigtails
Watch her world crumble and fail
Closer than a candy store
No further than the bed next door
I don't want to play here anymore

See that girl with the pale blue jeans
Knows too much of everything
Too far to put up a fight
Too late so she closed her eyes
I don't want to play here this time

Everything is haunted, ripped, and stained
Things I never wanted to feel again
I can't help but wonder are they ever gone
Everything is haunted
I'm running home

See that girl, she's got those legs
Better built to run away
Find her half a mile down
Hide and seek then lost then found
I don't want to play around

Because she can't go back and she can't go home
Round and around and around she goes
Turns the world into a song
Sings it 'till the feeling's gone
I don't want to play along

Everything is haunted, ripped, and stained
Things I never wanted to feel again
I can't help but wonder are they ever gone
Everything is haunted
I'm running home

To rest my head and lay my heart beside
The one who made it safe to close my eyes
The warmest of the waiting arms I've known
Hold out for me, I'm finally coming home

Everything is haunted, ripped, and stained
Things I never wanted to feel again
I can't help but wonder are they ever gone
Everything is haunted
I'm running home

See that woman with that man
He loves her any way he can

credits

released January 28, 2021

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Laura Marie San Antonio, Texas

Now the reason we're here
Every man, every woman
Is to help each other
Stand by each other
When love walks in the room
Everybody stand up
Oh it's good, good good
Say I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you - The Pretenders

At some point in my life, I heard this song and decided (before I knew I decided) that my life purpose was to send a "message of love". Be <3
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